Building self-trust in recovery starts with something remarkably simple: keeping your word to yourself.
Most of us spend a good portion of our lives trying to align our actions and words with the outcomes we desire. We prepare for important conversations, practice our responses to questions, and learn about the people we’ll encounter. We do these things because we want to influence what happens next—to say and do the things most likely to produce the outcome we’re hoping for.
Recently, I’ve taken a step back from that and tried to focus more on the one person who hears every promise, desire, commitment, and goal. The identity of that person shouldn’t be surprising—it’s YOU!
Throughout my life, I have tried to live by a set of Core Values that serve as my guideposts. Some days I align well with them, and some days I don’t. I’ve often gauged my success by considering whether my friends, family, and colleagues trust what I say, consider me reliable, and believe I’m true to my commitments. Their opinions matter.
But there’s another kind of trust that I’ve come to believe matters even more—particularly in recovery:
Do I trust myself?
The Person In The Mirror Is Listening
We all say things we don’t completely mean. Most of us pepper our conversations with fillers that sound like commitments but often stop short of any real intention to follow through. Some examples include:
- I’ll get right back to you.
- I wish I could make it.
- I’ll be praying for you.
- Let me look at my calendar and find a time that will work.
- I’ll give you a call sometime to discuss.
There are thousands of phrases like these that we use every day. The problem is, if we’re honest with ourselves, there is frequently very little truth behind them.
Most of the time, there’s no malicious intent behind their use in our everyday conversations. We may actually believe them when we say them. But a lot of the time, we’re simply trying to be polite, avoid disappointing someone, escape an uncomfortable conversation, avoid hurting someone’s feelings, or make ourselves look a little better in the moment.
For a moment, consider how it feels when you hear yourself saying these things.
If you tell someone you’re sorry you can’t make it to a party, while knowing you never had any desire to go, what does your own mind hear? Do you brush it off as a harmless response without any real commitment? That’s what I’ve often done.
The problem is, while I’m saying it, there’s another voice in my head screaming:
“LIAR!”
Every time I make a commitment I don’t intend to keep, promise something I know I probably won’t deliver, or manipulate my words to make an uncomfortable truth easier to avoid, I’m teaching myself something about the value of my own word. I’m teaching myself that my words don’t necessarily mean what they say.
Eventually, those little compromises add up.
When promises become common and follow-through becomes optional, trust becomes rare. That applies to the trust other people place in us, but I think it applies just as importantly—perhaps even more importantly—to the trust we place in ourselves.
And self-trust matters enormously in recovery.
Recovery Doesn’t Work With Loopholes
Over the years, I’ve learned that recovery comes in different shapes and sizes. I’m not sure there’s ever been a study, but I’d wager a reasonable sum that no two recoveries are identical. Our experiences are different, our beliefs are different, and the things that help each of us build a successful life in recovery will be different.
But I also believe there are some fundamentals that are nearly universal when you encounter recovery in good standing.
We keep our word. We tell the truth. We accept accountability. We act with integrity. We try to align what we say, what we believe, and what we actually do.
I personally believe those principles come from something bigger than me. Call it God, a higher power, conscience, Core Values, or whatever makes sense to you. I believe there is something inside us that defines the person we genuinely want to be. When I’m acting in alignment with that person, I generally know it. And when I’m not, I usually know that too.
The problem is that knowing something is wrong doesn’t necessarily stop me from wanting to do it.
That’s where loopholes become dangerous.
Our minds are incredibly talented at manipulating words, rules, circumstances, and commitments to justify an outcome we already want. We don’t necessarily change what we believe to be right or wrong. Instead, we create an exception that gives us permission to act against it. We used loopholes to justify drinking, and now we use them to justify behavior that doesn’t align with our recovery.
The loophole doesn’t change what I believe. It just gives me permission to violate it.
I’m certainly not suggesting that I’ve eliminated every loophole from my life. We’re human. We make mistakes, change our minds, rationalize bad decisions, and occasionally fall short of the person we want to be.
But recovery requires that we try our best to eliminate as many loopholes as possible. Every time I use one to act against something I believe to be true, I wound the relationship I have with myself. My commitments become weaker. My words carry less weight. My self-respect and self-esteem suffer because, underneath whatever justification I created, I know what I did.
The fewer loopholes I allow myself, the less room I have to negotiate away my own principles when they become inconvenient.
In short, I believe we’ve been blessed with an internal compass capable of guiding us toward an incredible life. But a compass only helps when we’re willing to follow it. Eliminating loopholes and building trust in my own word gives me a stronger foundation not only for successful recovery, but for building a life that more closely reflects the person I believe I was created to be.
Make Your Yes Mean Yes—Regardless of the Outcome
If eliminating loopholes helps protect the relationship I have with myself, the next question is pretty simple: how do I strengthen that relationship?
I think part of the answer is to stop making promises I can’t—or don’t intend to—keep.
We make commitments constantly, and there’s one person we can always count on to be listening—ourselves. Each commitment gives me an opportunity to demonstrate that my word has value. When my word has value, I have value.
If I repeatedly make commitments and don’t follow through, I’m collecting evidence that my word doesn’t carry much weight. But the opposite is also true. Every time I say yes and mean yes, say no and mean no, or simply do what I said I would do, I collect evidence that I can trust myself.
Over time, I don’t have to convince myself that I’m trustworthy. I have evidence that I am.
As I mentioned at the beginning, I’ve spent much of my life thinking about how my words and actions might influence what happens next. Did I get the result I wanted? Did I win?
Those things still matter. But I’m learning there may be a more important measure of success:
Were my words true, and did I honor them?
Sometimes that will produce the outcome I wanted. Sometimes it won’t. But if winning requires me to manipulate my words, compromise my principles, or make commitments I don’t intend to keep, I have to consider what I actually won.
Maybe building self-trust in recovery isn’t about making bigger promises or finding wins in every outcome. Maybe it’s about making fewer promises, keeping the ones I make, and measuring success by how faithfully I honor my commitments.
Spend a little less energy worrying about winning every outcome and a little more getting closer to the person you genuinely want to be.
That’s a fight worth winning.
If you or someone you know could benefit from sober coaching, recovery support, or help navigating the next steps in recovery, please reach out to True North Sober Support. We’d be happy to talk about how we can help.
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